He-Man (heman) wrote,
He-Man
heman

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Lazarus

Man, well, that hurt. Can’t even get killed right! Okay, okay, let’s stand up. One! Two! Three! Stand!!! Whoa! Lost a lot of blood there. Am I standing? No, still lying down. One more time...stand! I’m up. Quick He-Inventory: Head? Check. Boots? Check. Powersword? Uhhhhhhh...skip that one. Fur shorts? Priceless. I’d better start walking. Which way? Frontwards looks good. That backstabbin’ glowworm almost took me out! Did you hear that, Mermista? I almost died too. Then we would have made a fine couple, wouldn’t we? I don’t believe any of that metaphysical crap Crabby tried to pull on me. You’re dead, honey. Wow, I’m walking just like a toddler. I wonder if you can buy Under-Roos anywhere these days? Dead, dead, dead with tie-dyed shirts and a van full of 40-year-old pot smoke. That dead. Actually, walking like this is kinda fun. I feel a little floaty. Look! I’m walking on the moon! I’m a Moonwalker. What a lame video game that was. I know, I know...I tried to get killed but I screwed up at that too. Or maybe Scare-Glow screwed it up. Last time I get murdered by an amateur. That toad is probably conference calling all three of his friends and telling them how he iced the most powerful man in the universe. Like hell you did, Skull-Boy! I’m right here...lost...in the Eternian wilderness...and bleeding. This bites! Would you like to sign up for a Gap card? Mermista’s dead, Doggor’s dead, Randor’s dead! Mekaneck’s dead too, but who cares? Don’t be so gloomy, He-Man. Now that’s a bad sign. Hold on, I have to break this window. Conversing with yourself is unhealthy. You’ll go blind. Ha ha, so funny I forgot to laugh. Hey, it wasn’t so bad for a guy who’s bleeding to death here. No, I guess you’re right. Yeah, yeah, well, now that we got that settled, I’ll need a name for you if we are going to keep talking. How about Mer-Man? No, he’s got a name. Hey! A bed!!! Who left this here? Anyway, you were saying? You may call me the Spirit of Grayskull. Like the cartoon horse movie? No, like the castle. I’m sorry, sir, but that’s a pretty gay name and I have to take a little nap. Bye...

“Oh, Sweet Lord, Mother, there is a man in our bed!”
“I know, Father. Please don’t let it be that Robert Downey, Jr. again!”
“He looks like Goldilocks, Paw! But with more blood...”
“Shut up, Scooter, an’ get the shovel. At least we’s gonna have some eatin’ tonight!”
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