Scare-Glow had one very special target in mind to vent his wrath upon: “The City of Disposable, population 112”.
As the walled city popped up on the horizon, I called to Scary (we were already referring to each other with Spice Girl nicknames) and suggested that I ride on ahead and announce him formally while at the same time demanding the unconditional surrender of our enemies. He said, “Sure, Baby!” and I was off like a shot.
At this point I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. If I blew my cover with Scare-Glow, how would I be able to find and save Mer-Man? On the other hand, was I going to stand by and even help as a city of innocent people was destroyed?
I reigned in my horse before the gates.
“You there, people of Disposable! Open your gates!!!” I cried.
“No!” came the response.
“Dudes!” I added forcefully. “Open the damn gates!”
“Who are you?”
“I’m a lone hero who wishes to save you from destruction at the hands of Scare-Glow’s marauding army.”
There was silence for a long time, then: “Why are you wearing an eyepatch?”
As I explained that I was in disguise and actually the mighty He-Man, precious bits of triangle passed by. Finally they made me prove who I was by having me twirl my sword a lot, no matter how much I tried to explain that Twirly-Sword was the other guy. At least they let me in without making me transform into a 14-year-old boy.
By the time I rode into the city square, all the citizens had assembled.
“What can we do, He-Man?!” begged a village elder.
“There is only one option open to you. The women and children must be sent up to those mountains outside the city, there to hide in tunnels. Meanwhile, the men shall fight Scare-Glow’s army of paid killers and pay a dear price for the safety of their loved ones. Now, if you’ll all pick up a rake, I can show you how to become an army of farmers.”
At this there was much grumbling. Finally one voice complained, “How come the women don’t have to fight? Why do the men?”
“‘Cause that’s the manly thing to do,” I answered. I was booed.
“Sexist dog! There’s no such thing as ‘manly’! The women should fight too.” There was much discussion of this point and I glanced at my watch nervously.
“Okay,” I allowed, “the women will fight too. Now will someone get the children out of here, and everyone else get a rake.”
“No!” came the firm refusal. “Are you saying that we should die so that our snivelling brats can live?! Have you seen college tuition prices? We have to put up with enough of their Gameboy crap as it is! Give them rakes and let them fight!!!”
With that, all the adults handed farming tools to the kids and took off heels and elbows for the mountain caves.
“Well, kids,” I sighed, “this is how you hold a rake...”
They began to cry.
When the army of killer mercenaries arrived it was almost a relief. I had changed two diapers and had also been forced to repeatedly try my hand at a George W. impression without great success.
Scare-Glow surveyed the scene appreciatively. “Wow, you took the whole city! Let’s get the kids chained up and drag them back to the castle where they can be alternately sacrificed or used as slave labor.”
A little girl of about six shook her rake at Scare-Glow and he booted her in the face.
“Plans have changed,” I announced. “No one is going anywhere in slavery, and none of you are leaving here alive.”
Scare-Glow looked at me with deep hurt in his eyes. Slowly he asked, “What you talkin’ about, Willis?”
I threw my eyepatch onto the ground.
“My name is He-Man. I’m the protector of these children, and you won’t have them.”
“That’s it!” screamed Scare-Glow, dismounting. “You are out of the Secret Spice Girls Club!”
The air around him shimmered and he raised his dark lance heavenward. Lightning split the sky.
“Time to die, He-Man.”