He-Man and the House in the Swamp

  • Current Music
    Prince Adam says: Oh really, your folks are away now?

The Halloween Special: Randor's Summer House

  • Current Music
    Prince Adam says: Forever and a day
Classic He-Man

Lights Out, Scare-Glow

“Where ya goin’?”
“Back to Eternia, Alabam-Ra. I’ve got some unfinished business back there.”
“But I thought you weren’t He-Man no more. I thought you was Prince.”
“Right now i don’t know who I am, but I know what I’ve got to do, and it’s not singing Purple Rain again.”

Outside, Mountain-Man was trying to start his old Volkswagen van.
‘Me an’ the missus saw the Lovin’ Spoonful in this van,” he told me proudly.
“Don’t tell me you actually drove this thing to concerts!”
“Hell no! But one day we was stopped at a light an’ saw the Lovin’ Spoonful sittin’ right in this here van. So we bought it from ‘em for fifty dollars.”
The van let out an explosive groan.
“You sure you gonna need to be goin’ anywhere soon?” asked Mountain-Man with a dubious glance at the engine.

I thought about Mer-Man and Beast-Man, who were slated for execution at the red triangle. Orko didn’t really enter into my thinking - what’s one less blue wizard guy? They were going to die because of me. Because I had failed in my duty as superhero extraordinaire. It was up to me to save them.

I grabbed Mountain-Man by his stained overalls. "Look, Hillbilly Bob, I don't care if you have to sell your wife/sister for parts. You are going to fix that bus!!!"

As the triangle of their death inched ever closer, Mer-Man and Beast-Man prepared themselves, confident they would leave life just the same way they had lived it...crying and complaining.

‘It’s almost the red triangle,” sniffed Mer-Man. He was chained to an execution block at the center of St. Skeletor Cathedral. The chains were making it difficult for him to rub his eyes, so he cried even more.
“This sucks!” moaned Beast-Man. “I don’t want to die!!!”
Orko was ignored because while he was a friend and all, he wasn’t what you’d call a close friend. He was left to dwell in his own pointy-hatted misery, which he did with some degree of success.

The crowd of onlookers and well-wishers were gathering. Some pelted the condemned with rotten fruit and Insane Clown Posse dolls. Others enjoyed the complimentary refreshments.
“We’re makin’ a killing on brownie sales today,” chortled Trap-Jaw, still in his apron.

Scare-Glow approached the podium.

“Friends, enemies, and relatives. We are gathered here today to celebrate my elevation to the rank of God-Emperor and the demise of certain unsavory Eternians who for too long have been the subject of an uneven comic LiveJournal...” He paused to clear his throat.

Just then the doors to the cathedral were thrown open and, silhouetted against the bright light of an Eternian afternoon, was a powerful and statuesque form.
“OMG!” shouted Mer-Man. “It’s He-Man!!!”

“That’s right,” cried the intruder, stepping into focus. “It’s me, He-Man Johnson!”
“Hope I’m not late, but my alarm is broke.”
A sympathetic sigh escaped from the crowd as He-Man Johnson found his seat.

“As I was saying,” continued a nonplussed Scare-Glow, “today we usher in a new age. There will be no more Blonde Ambition lording his power over common Eternians.” He paused to allow for laughter, of which there was some, mostly from Orko.
“We will continue with my strategy of ever-increasing public works projects which will unite the people, give them a goal, structure and hope, and provide work for the throngs of jobless writers who fill our streets.
“Once I am declared God, I will have several temples built in my honor and I promise you that every able-bodied...”

Scare-Glow’s speech was interrupted again when a figure in the front row cast off his Moss-Man disguise to reveal a tall, muscled and Nordic barbarian-type guy.

“It’s me, He-Man!” the interloper declared bravely.
The minions of evil fell back in terror. Scare-Glow braced himself for an attack.

“Isn’t that He-Ro?” asked Orko brainlessly. Beast-Man kicked at him, but it was too late - the damage was done.
“Someone kill that wanker,” commanded Scare-Glow.

“Crap!!!” cried He-Ro, reaching into his belt. “Don’t anyone move - I’ve got a gun.”
With a flourish, he produced a .38 pistol and waved it at the crowd.
“Damn,” growled Trap-Jaw. “That’s a real gun!”
A shot rang out in the cathedral, deafening everyone.

“Damn again,” added Trap-Jaw. “I’ve been shot with a real gun!” He collapsed to the floor holding his bleeding side.

“There, ya see?! Shouldn’t mess with the wizard, should you? Didn’t expect to see a gun in a kiddie cartoon, did you?!!!” He-Ro held his gun gangsta sideways and let fly with a few more bullets. One winged Buzz-Off and another passed through the “O” on Orko’s shirts, causing him to deflate slightly and prompting Beast-Man to cheer, “Bullseye!”

The unexpected clicking of He-Ro’s gun quickly reminded everyone that real handguns, unlike their cartoon equivalent, need ammo.
As Scare-Glow’s men subdued the now-weaponless dufus, Trap-Jaw was bundled onto a stretcher and carried out of this journal entry to receive real medical attention.

“To get back to my point...”
As Scare-Glow droned on, I was rapidly approaching Eternia City in the Lovin’ Spoonful mobile.
Mountain-Man hadn’t really fixed it. Instead he had put it in neutral with the optimistic belief that it was all downhill from here. I should have realized that after I ended Season 1. I crested one last hill and began my final descent upon Castle Skeletor.

“And that is a brief outline of my five-year plan for starfiction.com, Eternia, and the next ‘Survivor’.

The audience snapped awake as I neutrally rammed the van through the doors of the cathedral.
“WTF?!” demanded Scare-Glow, stomping his foot.

I leapt out of the driver’s seat and was about to scream “It’s ass kickin’ time!” but I got caught up on a seatbelt and shouted, “It’s ass time!” which was kinda embarrassing.

“Maybe that’s He-Man,” hoped Mer-Man.
“He-Man here, you magnificent bastards!” I announced.
“That’s not He-Man,” screamed Rio Blast, “that’s Prince Adam just dressed like He-Man!”
“Prince Adam?” wobbled Scare-Glow shockedly. “That brainless man of fashion!?”
“He’s a deadbeat dad!!!” cried an old woman, waving a baby at me. “That ol’ horndog got me with child...twice!”
“That’s a lie,” complained Mer-Man, coming to my rescue. “Everyone knows he’s gay!”

“Look,” I said, “Prince Adam, He-Man, it doesn’t matter. I’m here to beat the hell out of Scare-Glow and save Eternia.”
“Oh,” accepted the audience.

Scare-Glow said a very bad word.

“Momma said knock you out,” rapped Beast-Man.
Scare-Glow grabbed his magic lance. It began to crackle with a nefarious energy.
“Smoke this, he-Man!”

A great bolt of lightning flew from the lance’s tip and struck me full in the chest. My head exploded. Even my eyes were electrified.
“How do you like that, Prince Charming?!”
I was knocked down to the ground by the blast. My muscles were tensing up and my blood was boiling in my veins. Things sucked pretty much. I was still weak from the fight I had been in over in The Sticks and I was in no mood to be zapped by a wannabe God-Emperor.

“I...like it...like...I...like...”
I squeezed my eyes shut and summoned all my Prince Adam strength.
“Like...I like...”
I forced myself to my feet.

I rushed Scare-Glow and grabbed the point of his lance. There was a great explosion of light and I could feel the skin on my hand charring as power coursed into my body.
“YOU SMELL!!!” I cried, and began to bend the tip of the spear backwards. A red glow began to slink down the hilt of the lance towards Scare-Glow. Suddenly he cried out and dropped the now-useless and bent weapon to the ground.
“Danger: High Voltage,” sang Mer-Man, ushering in a White Stripes argument with Beast-Man.
Scare-Glow spun and ran towards the back of the skeletal altar.

Following him and completely mad with anger, exhilaration and electrocution, I taunted, “Turn around, Bright Eyes!”
A young girl screamed “Conor!” and fainted.
Scare-Glow grabbed something and twisted to face me. “Total eclipse of my butt!” he cried, and I only narrowly dodged the unique powersword in his hand.

“I have the power!!!” he yelled and rose the sword above his head in a two-handed grip.

I kicked him in the balls.

Okay, so maybe I’m not proud of it, but it worked. Scare-Glow dropped the powersword and yelped.
I powerpunched him.

Then I powerpunched him again.

Then, once more, I powerpunched him.

Scare-Glow’s lightbulb of a head flickered a bit, then went out, leaving just a sour skull face.
“Skeletor!” hissed the crowd.
For it really was Skeletor after all.

“Hello...is it me you’re looking for?” whispered Skeletor, a single tear in his eye.
I pulled back my fist and powerpunched him as I have never powerpunched any skull-headed freak guy before. There was a great ripping noise, and his head, which was stitched on, tore off and sailed through the air and broke a window which I would have to pay for later.

I lifted the powersword off the ground and pointed it towards the sky.


Outside, after I had freed the guys and signed autographs, a little girl with a flower ran up to me. I recognized her as the one who had watched as I was stabbed back at the attack on Disposable.
“He-Man! He-Man!” she giggled.

I knocked her down into a puddle and said, “That’s what ya get for gettin’ me stabbed, you crybaby!”

It’s good to be He-Man again.
  • Current Music
    Prince Adam says: Darlin’, your head’s not right
No Peeking!!!

(no subject)

“Where the hell is He-Man when you need him?” wondered an irritated Beast-Man as he crawled through the maze-like air ventilation ducts of Castle Skeletor.
Behind him Orko whistled in appreciation.
“Scare-Glow sure keeps these vents clean, and they’re big like in the movies.”
“Something in here smells like ladies!” complained He-Ro for the millionth time. The group stopped as Beast-Man came to a fork in the vents.

“No more talk about smells,” he ordered over his shoulder.
“Dude!” disregarded He-Ro, “it’s you!”
“No, it isn’t,” denied Beast-Man.
Orko began to hum.
“Yes, it is,” continued He-Ro. “You smell like perfume!”
“He’s a fragrant liar,” suggested Orko readily.
“Screw you, Orko, you don’t even have a nose!!!” Beast-Man began crawling quickly ahead.

“You can’t get away! You are wearing perfume!” shouted He-Ro as he shuffled after him. “Admit it!!!”
“That’s the last time I let prostitutes wash my clothing, heh heh,” chuckled Beast-Man lamely.
“Dude, you are wearing girlfume. Now what is it?”

Beast-Man slowed.
“................”, he mumbled.
“What?!” demanded Orko and He-Ro in unison.
“OH MY DOG!!!” screamed Beast-Man as the grate beneath him broke open and he fell deeper into mystery.

Meanwhile, Mer-Man was in his cell sitting in front of his Bondi Blue original iMac and preparing a post for the My Little Pony message boards.

DeAR PoNy FRiEnDs,
My FAvoRiTe PoNy bOOk iS UnDeR THe BiG Top! LoL!!!!

Mer-Man’s message was interrupted when Beast-Man improbably fell through a hole in the ceiling.

“OH MY DOG!!!” screamed Beast-Man as he descended.

Beast-Man hit the ground with a thud, and Mer-Man waited anxiously as his friend dusted himself off. He had a strong urge to run and hug the furry and teddy bear-like Beast-Man but felt that this might be considered inappropriate, so he satisfied himself with a small hand wave at hip height and a fairly nonchalant “Hey!”

“Hey, Mer-Man,” responded Beast-Man wearily. Orko floated down through the hole in the vent.
“Hey,” shouted He-Ro from the vent, “is it safe to come down?”

“What took you guys so long in coming to save me?” asked a teary-eyed Mer-Man.
“We were trying to get tickets for the Interpol show,” admitted Beast-Man.
“That show is like soooooooooooo sold out!” marveled Mer-Man as a flutter pony traipsed across his screen saver. Beast-Man politely looked away.

“Is it safe?” hissed He-Ro again. Everyone ignored him.
“We were gonna wait for He-Man,” began Orko, “but he’s like dead or something. My birthday’s next week, wanna come?”

Before Mer-Man could answer, the door to his cell was kicked open and in hustled Scare-Glow, Trap-Jaw and three assorted stooges.
“Larry, Moe, seize them!!!” commanded Scare-Glow.
“I could have sworn that was going to be an Iggy Pop joke,” wistfulled Mer-Man.

As the thugs held Beast-Man and Orko at gunpoint, a voice from the air vent whispered, “Is it safe yet?”
“Yes! Very safe,” lied Scare-Glow in a wavering falsetto.
‘It’s about time!” humpfed He-Ro as he stuck he head in the room only to retract it as laser beams scorched his hair.

“Crap!” he decided, and began shuffling backwards down the air vent which was now the subject of attention of four turbo laser carbines.
“Don’t worry about him,” Scare-Glow laughed. “The electro-death rodents will see to him. We have much better things to attend to!”

As Beast-Man, Mer-Man and Orko were shepherded out of the room in chains, it became readily apparent that one of the “things” was not going to be the Interpol show!

Elsewhere in the Sticks...

“ALF, qu'avez-vous fait?!”
“Guillaume, pourquoi êtes-vous tellement rapidement irrités?!!”

We interrupt today’s Rerun-En-Francais to bring you this important news bulletin. Evil Lord Scare-Glow has just announced that there will be a public execution of the traitors Beast-Man, Orko, and Mer-Man tomorrow at the red triangle and this will be followed by a short ceremony declaring the skull-faced politician God-Emperor of Eternia. All are invited to join in his happiness.

For the first time in a great while, He-Man spat up his Bitch Flakes.
  • Current Music
    Prince Adam says: This isn’t no intervention
A little romance?

Prince Adam, the Most Powerful Man in the Universe

After several hours of crying and denial I had finally come to grips with the fact that I was now Prince Adam exclusively. But that didn’t mean I was going to wear lavender pants without a fight.
As soon as I was well enough (and I learned, much to my annoyance, that Prince Adam doesn’t heal as fast as He-Man), I asked Alabam-Ra to take me to Target to buy some new clothes.

“So what’s it like being Prince Adam?” she asked as we drove.
“Like He-Man, but kinda lame.”
“You look the same as you did before.”
“Actually, in this form I have a mole, but I can’t show it to you, and I’m also much weaker.”
“Hmmm,” she pondered, “I wonder how other things stack up...”
“Hands on the wheel, young lady.”

Seeing how it was going to be such a big shopping day, Alabam-Ra decided to stop by the bar that she works at on the way to pick up her paycheck.
It was a rundown building with a large sign that said “The Shimmy Shack” out front. The sign looked to have some bullet holes in it but I guess it might have just been moth-eaten.
“Come on in, He-Man,” Alabam-Ra insisted. “ I want to show you off to my friends.”
After a lot of begging and boredom I finally agreed.

It was only about midday, so the bar wasn’t really crowded, but it was very dark with week-old smoke and lack of light bulbs. The handful of regulars who were there were mostly looking at some ladies who were dancing unenthusiastically in discount shark cages. When Alabam-Ra noticed me looking towards the cages she blushed a bit.
“I do that. I’m a dancer. One day I’ll be in that Fame movie.”

A burly and dirty man ambled forward to greet us.
“Why Alabam-Ra, you ain’t never said no nothin’ ‘bout havin’ no sister! An’ such a pretty one, too.”
Alabam-Ra laughed, “Cletus, this ain’t my sister! He’s my friend He-Man--”
Cletus pulled his welcoming hand back in revulsion. A few of the regulars glanced in our direction.
“This is a man!? Looks like some kind of sissy dude!”

“Hold on, Cletus,” shouted a man rising from his table and disturbing a pile of half-eaten walnuts. “Maybe this here sissy dude is English Bob!”
Cletus gave me a hard look. “Is that right, mister? Are you English Bob?”
“No. I’m He-Man.”
“That’s right,” announced Alabam-Ra, “an’ he’s a Prince of Eternia.”
“Prince of Fruitopia, more like,” the redneck who had until recently believed I was English Bob mumbled through a mouthful of walnuts.

“Alabam-Ra, why not get your check?” I suggested, and she and Cletus disappeared into the backroom.
By now a small circle of inbred regulars had formed around me. Cletus’s friend, whose name turned out to be Walnut Joe, was the ringleader.
“Fruitopia, I says,” he laughed for the twelfth time.
“You a prince?” asked another. “So sing ‘When Doves Cry’.”
“Yeah, sing us a song, you’re the piano man.”

I heard a commotion from the back room so I pushed through the crowd which whistled and hooted at me as I walked. As I approached the door to the back room, I heard Cletus say, “C’mon, gimme some sugar, baby!”
I walked in. Alabam-Ra was in his lap. She scurried down and fixed her top when she saw me. She looked sad.
I sighed, and as Cletus stood up, I punched him square on the jaw.
He looked at me with some surprise but with no other damage so I punched him again. This time he ducked. It sucks to be Prince Adam.

As I sailed through the air and crashed down on a table, I regretted not having listened to the Sorceress when she had suggested that I do some Prince Adam exercises.
To help me to my feet, one of the rednecks ran over and planted a pointy-toe boot in my side. This was a big hit with the Hee-Haw crowd.

“We ain’t had this much fun since the mechanical bull gave out!” In a dusty corner I could see the shamed and violated bull ride try and hide itself in the shadows.
I made the mistake of standing up and Cletus was kind enough to punch me in the left eye. As I staggered backwards I tripped over Walnut Joe’s outstretched leg and toppled to the floor in a mixture of blood, glass, and spilled beer.

In a beautifully choreographed move, all the rednecks began doing a Mexican Hat Dance, substituting me for the hat. Whenever I tried to get up, someone would punch, kick or beat me down.

The floor began to seem a very comfortable place. In fact, I kinda felt like taking a nap on it. I closed my eyes and began to fall asleep, lulled by the rhythmic kickings I was receiving. My lack of response had gotten so boring to my attackers that only Cletus and Walnut Joe were left. The others had gone back to their drinks.

“Wake up, He-Man!” screamed a little voice in my head.
“No!” I told it. “Anyway, I’m Prince Adam. Leave me alone.”
“Get up, Alabam-Ra needs you. These guys are gonna kill you and then what do you think will happen?”
“I’ll get to star in ‘Touched By an Angel?’ Screw you, I need a hero this time! Send someone else!!!”
Things in the outside world were lessening up a bit. I was only being kicked by one set of feet now.
I heard from somewhere out in space Cletus saying, “C’mon, girl. I’m-a teach you some respect!” and I heard Alabam-Ra cursin’ and carryin’ on.
“Get up, He-Man” said the little voice again.

I opened one swollen eye. Walnut Joe had pulled up a chair and was now only kicking me once in a while, when he wasn’t pouring beer on me.
“You awake, Princess? I’d love to show you how we treat a Princess of Power down here in The Sticks!” He made a kissy face.
Alabam-Ra was being dragged back into the back room by Cletus. No one else was paying much attention to anything.

“Aw, hell...” I sighed, pulling myself up a bit with the help of a table. If I was going to save people as Prince Adam, I was going to have to do it a little differently.
“What can I do for ya, darlin’?” asked Joe.
“Don’t kill me. I got money! Here, you can have it...” Walnut Joe’s eyes lit up at my words. I stood up on my wobbly legs.
“Give it here.” He extended a shaking alcoholic hand towards me.

In that instant, I lunged forward, grabbed his hand and pulled back two of the fingers ‘til they broke. As Joe let out a howl of pain, I kicked him in the walnuts.
Heads turned. Joe bent double, clutching his pocketful of miracles with broked fingers. I grabbed him by his Skynrd shirt and rammed his face into the jukebox, which shattered and kicked into a rousing rendition of “The Night That Minnie Timperley Died.”

Cletus let go of Alabam-Ra and barreled straight at me like a bull. As he came, I swiped a longnecked beer bottle off a table and screaming, “I HAVE THE POWER!” smashed it across his face. He fell back, grabbing his nose and screaming.

By this point all the rest of F Troop had gotten up and were rushing me.
The first to arrive got the rest of my broken bottle driven into the bit of stomach that hung over his belt. I’m sure it was only a flesh wound, but it bled lots.
Someone landed a punch on me while I was stabbing the ectomorph, and I took it and returned it with interest in the form of a headbutt.
Quickly I discovered that my martial arts moves were all still there - they just felt a bit rusty and maybe better suited to a better body. But I really didn’t have time for preferences at that point. I tossed a chair into one guy’s legs as he ran at me and, as he sprawled out on the floor, I brought a mean axe kick down into the base of his spine.

I was punched and buffeted so much that I lost count, but I refused to fall down.
“I’m He-Man,” I roared, “the meanest sonofabitch in the universe!” And after a few broken arms and ribs the rednecks were starting to believe me.
I lifted a table above my head and used it to crushed two midget-like hicks ‘til all that was left of them was some belt buckles and bits of alfalfa.

“He-Man, look out!!!” cried Alabam-Ra.
I turned to see Cletus standing behind the bar with a laser carbine. His face was a mess of cuts and bruises.
“Get out!” he hissed. “Both of ya, get out, an’ if I ever see either of ya agin, I’ll kill ya.”

I looked around. The place was trashed and all the furniture and patrons lay broken on the floor. Luckily the dancers were unhurt thanks to the shark cages.
“Let’s go, Alabam-Ra.” I turned on my heel and walked out the door, pausing only to tell the survivors, “That’s how we handle things back in Fruitopia.”

We both got outside without being back-shot, and I asked Alabam-Ra if she had gotten her check, and she laughed and showed me a bag of money she had stolen along with it. I couldn’t really make her put it back, what with Cletus’s threat and the fact that she admitted to having set fire to the back room during the fight.
“That’ll be a lesson to me, sure!” she said as she started the ignition. “Never work for relatives!”
  • Current Music
    Prince Adam says: Still dangerous. Paunchy, but dangerous
Sad He-Man

Where’s My Vest

I fell asleep.

“Hello, He-Man!”
“Hi! Who are you again?”
There was a large translucent blue skull floating in front of me. So many skulls in my life, I thought.

“Don’t you remember?” The skull looked hurt. “I’m the Spirit of Grayskull!!!”
“Oh, shouldn’t you be gray in that case? Your name is still lame. Don’t you have a real one like Dave or Moss-Man?”
“No. Just the Spirit of Grayskull.” I started walking through the cartoon landscape of my mind, but the skull followed me.
“Any chance of you turning into She-Ra and being naked?”
“No. But I could become Ted Kennedy. It’s just a power I had.” The skull shrugged shoulderlessly.

“What did you want anyway?”
“I’m here to warn you. Something terrible is about to happen. You know that Scare-Glow has entered into Castle Grayskull with your powersword, right?”
“What?! And here I was thinking he was carrying a loaf of bread.”
“There’s no need to be a bitch about it. Lots of other people would be happy to have me in their dreams.
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<lj-user=>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

I fell asleep.

“Hello, He-Man!”
“Hi! Who are you again?”
There was a large translucent blue skull floating in front of me. So many skulls in my life, I thought.

“Don’t you remember?” The skull looked hurt. “I’m the Spirit of Grayskull!!!”
“Oh, shouldn’t you be gray in that case? Your name is still lame. Don’t you have a real one like Dave or Moss-Man?”
“No. Just the Spirit of Grayskull.” I started walking through the cartoon landscape of my mind, but the skull followed me.
“Any chance of you turning into She-Ra and being naked?”
“No. But I could become Ted Kennedy. It’s just a power I had.” The skull shrugged shoulderlessly.

“What did you want anyway?”
“I’m here to warn you. Something terrible is about to happen. You know that Scare-Glow has entered into Castle Grayskull with your powersword, right?”
“What?! And here I was thinking he was carrying a loaf of bread.”
“There’s no need to be a bitch about it. Lots of other people would be happy to have me in their dreams. <lj-user= “madrain”>, for instance.”

I turned to face the big shimmery pain in the ass but he had been replaced with an image of Castle Grayskull itself. I saw Scare-Glow striding into the throne room and taking out the sword.
“What’s he doing?” I asked involuntarily.
“He’s replacing you.”
“He’s really Skeletor, isn’t he?”
“Yes. Evil-Lyn brought him back using some spells she found in the Tomb of the Monarchs.”
“Sounds allergenic. What do you mean replacing me?”

Scare-Glow lifted the powersword above his head and cried, as I have countless times, “By the Power of Grayskull!”
“Can’t you stop him?” I asked the Spirit.
‘No. I am under his command now, but I thought I should warn you about it.”

“Thanks,” I said, and my knees buckled as all the superhero strength drained out of me.
I heard Scare-Glow scream triumphantly and the Spirit of Grayskull whisper, “Goodbye, He-Man.” And then I was back in the bed in Mountain-Man’s cabin.

I felt terrible and it took all the strength I had left to peel back the bedcovers. Underneath I saw that I was wearing lavender pants and I was drenched in sweat. Not a pretty combination.

“Hello, Prince Adam,” I sighed, and swung my legs out of bed.
  • Current Music
    Prince Adam says: Skeleton’s kiss to the steel rail

Ask He-Man

“Buddy, mon Dieu! Qu’avez-vous fait?”
“Charles, je ne sais pas. Les pamplemousses sont partout!”

There was a knock at the door, so I clicked off the TV.
“Are you awake?” It was Alabam-Ra.
“No.” She didn’t believe me and came in anyhow.
“How y’all feelin’?” she asked, popping up on the bed/couch.
“Like I’ve been stabbed in the back.”
“Did a girl do you wrong?”
“Nah, a glowing skeleton guy. What can I do for you, Alabam-Ra?”
“I’s just thinkin’ about how you’re from Eternia City, an’ I always wanted to go to Eternia City and I almost would have once if our cheerleadin’ team had made the finals, but it didn’t because Stacey Jorgensen is such a stuck-up bitch that even her own mama won’t let her in the house at might what with after she stole that money to buy the kangaroo baby she said she found.”
I clicked the TV back on.

“So...you want to go to Eternia City with me?”
“Why not?!” Alabam-Ra pouted and tried to look hurt. “Is it ‘cause I’m young? I may be in years but I’m a whole lot grown up!”
“I’m sure you are, if men’s rooms walls are to be believed.”
Alabam-Ra crept further up the covers towards me. I sighed. One of her fake eyelashes was half hanging down. She tried to push it back up while she pretended to cry.

“You’re just like all men. You use and take what you want and then you leave a girl on her own...” She peered up to gauge my reaction, and then continued. “I could be good for you. I have talent. I just need an opportunity to prove myself.”
“How about...no.”

She discarded the eyelash and tried another tact.
“I can be real, real good to you. It would be worth it. I can be both sassy and slutty. Ask my uncle Orville.”
For a moment, the once benevolent image of Orville Redenbacher, now in a rutting heat, appeared in my mind. I turned my face to the wall in disgust.
“No. You can stay here. This is where you belong.” Eternia’s for people, I almost added.

Just then there was a knock at the door and Scooter appeared. Alabam-Ra got up in a huff and sauntered out of the room hippily. Scooter watched his sister’s egress (almost said ass) with near-amorous devotion.

“That’s me. You can’t come to Eternia City.”
“Uh...I don’t want to...” Scooter stammered.
“Well, you can’t have a gun or touch my muscles either.”
“Repeat after me: ‘No gun, no muscle touching’.”
“No gun, no muscle touching.”
“Good enough, now what do you want?”

Scooter sat down on the bed and wiggled himself good and hard into the warm spot his sister had just vacated.
“He-Man, did you never love a woman? Not in a Bryan Adams way.”
“Did I ever love a woman? Yes, quite a few...this isn’t a question about those ‘Moan Zones’ you read about in Cosmo, is it?”
“Nossir, I just wanted your advice on romancin’ the lady of my dreams.”
“Buy her some false teeth,” I muttered quietly. “Who is this lucky lady?”

“Well, she’s beautiful and sweet and honest and I hear tell she’s still almost a virgin.” Scooter must have been about 8 years old. “I love her dearly, and one day when I become a riverboat gamblin’ man I will surely do right by her and make her my wife.”
“Glad to see you got it all figured out. When’s M*A*S*H come on?”
“Only thing is, I don’t know if she loves me.”
“I’m sure she does. Best way to find out is to slip her some tongue.”
“How do I do that?!”
“I’m not showing you! Ask your gym teacher.”

“So I should tell her how I feel?”
“Sure, can’t hurt unless she gouges you in the eye. Who is the lucky lady?”
Here he giggled and blushed. He whispered a name, but I couldn’t hear him at first, so I made him whisper it a bit louder.
“Your sister?!!!”

Scooter bobbed his head up and down innocently. I turned my face up to heaven and hoped there was still time.
“Listen to me now, Scooter, and listen good. Sister lovin’, much like father rapin’, is frowned upon by society. Only sick, sick, weird, sick people want to get wild with their siblings. It just isn’t done. No! Alabam-Ra is off limits for you completely.”
Tears welled up in the young pervert’s eyes.
“What you need, “I continued, “is another girl. Any girl to take your mind of Alabam-Ra. Myself, I love She-Ra. That’s cool. That’s hot. That’s okay, ya see? Loving your sister, though, is just wrong.”
“Could I love She-Ra?”
“Don’t be stupid, you wouldn’t have a shot. She’s all over me. No. You need a different girl who isn’t related to you.”
“But I’m related to everyone in town! Wait, do nuns count?”
“Depends on the nun. Are you sure there isn’t anyone?”
“Well...There’s Mad Mable. We call her Mad because she’s insane. She has one eye that works and the other is made of a bottle cap.”

“Well, there ya go. Mad Mable sounds real nice. Why don’t you try to love her?”
Scooter closed his eyes and squinted with concentration. Then he shook his head back and forth real fast with obvious mental effort.
“No!” he announced. “Can’t love her.”
“Come on! Give Mable a chance. Isn’t there anything you like about her?”
Scooter thought again for a good long while.
“Well, she wears the same pants.”
“Same pants as you?”
“No, she wears her own pants, the same pants, every day. I like that, I guess.”
“Well, there you go! Write Mable a poem that compliments her pants. She’ll love you in no time!”
Scooter eagerly grabbed a pen and ran out the door.

I hardly had time to watch Alan Alda walk into the tent when Mountain-Man slipped into my room.
“Do you want advice about love?” I asked wearily.
“No. I was just wondering if you had some LJ activation codes?”
Before I got to bed, Mrs. Man came in and talked to me about poisons that leave no trace when used correctly. Sometimes the people part of being a hero is harder than the punching part.
  • Current Music
    Prince Adam says: I don’t advise and I don’t criticize
Classic He-Man

A Whole Passel o’ Trouble

Mountain-Man licked his lips and stared at me with a strange intensity.
“Oh, Father! Shouldn’t we be sure he’s dead yet?” asked Mrs. Man, wringing her hands.
“He’s dead enough. An’ meat tastes better fresh.” He leaned over to taste my nose.

“You pervy face-eating freak!” I yelled, grabbing him by the scruff of the neck and tossing him across the room. Mountain-Man moaned and his wife let out a shrill scream.
“Lord, he’s alive!”
“Sir,” began Mountain-Man, trying to reassemble his dignity, “you was shot, and I have medicced you back to health. Kindly do not throw me around my own home.”
“I was stabbed,” I corrected. “And you tried to eat me.”
“Unh-uh,” protested a small boy. “You was shot. We spent near a whole night lookin’ to take out the bullet with these.” He waved a pair of barbecue tongs at me. “We din’t find it though.”
“Scooter! I tol’ you to shut up! Now shut!!!” chided Mrs. Man lovingly.

I was in a small cabiny-like place. Most of the furniture looked homemade. Even the TV was built out of cereal boxes. Mountain-Man and Scooter were both only wearing overalls, though Mountain-Man complimented this with a beaten-up straw hat which showed his superiority. Mrs. Man was dressed like a couch.

“What time is it? I asked, brushing off some fleas and mice.
“Half-past the shiny triangle. Where do you come from, Mister?”
“From Eternia City. Where am I?”
“Whooooooo hooooo! Eternia City?! You musta walked all night long to get here. You’ve slipped clear over the border. This here’s The Sticks.”

I shuddered inwardly. All good Eternian children are told stories about The Sticks.
“Isn’t this where everyone marries his sister and stuff?”
Mrs. Man blushed, and she and Mountain-Man exchanged a look of marital bliss.

“Well, sir,” blustered my hick host, “you must be hungrier than a radioactive death tomcat what’s raisin’ eight young on its back.”
“I reckon so,” I answered honestly.

As Mountain-Man set to work preparing his “vittles”, the door of the shack blew open and a teenage girl in inappropriate shorts came in stared at everyone, sighed in disgust, and sat down on a barrel.

“Alabam-Ra! What are you doin’ a-sulkin’ an’ sighin’ in front of company?” demanded Mrs. Man, scandalized.
“Hmphh,” answered Alabam-Ra smartly. “Who’s company? I thought that fella was lunch.”
Mountain-Man coughed loudly into the vittles.

“Oh, merciful heavens! Are you wearin’ lipstick again like some tarted-up whore Jezebel on Melrose Place?!” In truth it looked more like the lipstick had had some girl smudged onto it. There was quite a bit. Alabam-Ra’s new lips reached the bottom of her nose. “How will you ever get a man?”

“Same way you got dad, no doubt!” she yelped, flopping around more in the chair. At her answer, Scooter had made himself scarce, not before whispering to me that “she got lices.”

“This gentleman,” continued the doting mother, “is from Eternia City, an’ he only wants to see nice young ladies while he stays with us an’ ‘til he gets his bullet removed.”
“Eternia City?!” screamed Alabam-Ra, “But I always wanted to go there an’ live like a big movie star. Like She-Ra or Evil-Lyn or Teela...”
I groaned loudly. Everyone assumed it was because of my injury.
“What’s your name?” asked Alabam-Ra with childlike innocence.
“He-Man,” I told her.
Mountain-Man glanced up from his cooking. “Could be we’re related.”

“Actually,” I asked, pulling myself into a sitting position, “I need to know what’s happening in Eternia. Do you get any news stations on your TV?”

“Sure,” said Alabam-Ra friendily. “We get Cajun, Mountain, and Country channels. Here!”

The set clicked onto what I must assume was a Cajun channel. As Alabam-Ra jiggled the rabbit ears I could hear:

Charles en charge de nos jours et nos nuits...

She turned the knob, which would have been illegal in most civilized countries, and the news flickered on.

“Channel 7 News here. We are outside Castle Grayskull on this fine day. The Dark Lord Scare-Glow has just approached the Jawbridge of this once hallowed hall of heroes and is gesturing towards it with what seems to be a powersword. Of course, were he able to get into to Castle Grayskull, he would be able to make himself the most powerful man in the universe using its terrible secrets. Oh, look! The gate is coming down. Yes, Scare-Glow is crossing the bridge--” Click.

“I hate the news,” declared Alabam-Ra with what she hoped was a sexy pout. She had changed it to a channel playing Family Feud instead. “Don’t you think Louie Anderson was the best host?” she asked, edging over to me on the bed.

“I’m sorry, I’d better get back to looking for that bullet,” I told her.
  • Current Music
    Prince Adam says: The problem with your brother


Man, well, that hurt. Can’t even get killed right! Okay, okay, let’s stand up. One! Two! Three! Stand!!! Whoa! Lost a lot of blood there. Am I standing? No, still lying down. One more time...stand! I’m up. Quick He-Inventory: Head? Check. Boots? Check. Powersword? Uhhhhhhh...skip that one. Fur shorts? Priceless. I’d better start walking. Which way? Frontwards looks good. That backstabbin’ glowworm almost took me out! Did you hear that, Mermista? I almost died too. Then we would have made a fine couple, wouldn’t we? I don’t believe any of that metaphysical crap Crabby tried to pull on me. You’re dead, honey. Wow, I’m walking just like a toddler. I wonder if you can buy Under-Roos anywhere these days? Dead, dead, dead with tie-dyed shirts and a van full of 40-year-old pot smoke. That dead. Actually, walking like this is kinda fun. I feel a little floaty. Look! I’m walking on the moon! I’m a Moonwalker. What a lame video game that was. I know, I know...I tried to get killed but I screwed up at that too. Or maybe Scare-Glow screwed it up. Last time I get murdered by an amateur. That toad is probably conference calling all three of his friends and telling them how he iced the most powerful man in the universe. Like hell you did, Skull-Boy! I’m right here...lost...in the Eternian wilderness...and bleeding. This bites! Would you like to sign up for a Gap card? Mermista’s dead, Doggor’s dead, Randor’s dead! Mekaneck’s dead too, but who cares? Don’t be so gloomy, He-Man. Now that’s a bad sign. Hold on, I have to break this window. Conversing with yourself is unhealthy. You’ll go blind. Ha ha, so funny I forgot to laugh. Hey, it wasn’t so bad for a guy who’s bleeding to death here. No, I guess you’re right. Yeah, yeah, well, now that we got that settled, I’ll need a name for you if we are going to keep talking. How about Mer-Man? No, he’s got a name. Hey! A bed!!! Who left this here? Anyway, you were saying? You may call me the Spirit of Grayskull. Like the cartoon horse movie? No, like the castle. I’m sorry, sir, but that’s a pretty gay name and I have to take a little nap. Bye...

“Oh, Sweet Lord, Mother, there is a man in our bed!”
“I know, Father. Please don’t let it be that Robert Downey, Jr. again!”
“He looks like Goldilocks, Paw! But with more blood...”
“Shut up, Scooter, an’ get the shovel. At least we’s gonna have some eatin’ tonight!”
  • Current Music
    Prince Adam says: I hope you'll understand