“Where ya goin’?”
“Back to Eternia, Alabam-Ra. I’ve got some unfinished business back there.”
“But I thought you weren’t He-Man no more. I thought you was Prince.”
“Right now i don’t know who I am, but I know what I’ve got to do, and it’s not singing Purple Rain again.”
Outside, Mountain-Man was trying to start his old Volkswagen van.
‘Me an’ the missus saw the Lovin’ Spoonful in this van,” he told me proudly.
“Don’t tell me you actually drove this thing to concerts!”
“Hell no! But one day we was stopped at a light an’ saw the Lovin’ Spoonful sittin’ right in this here van. So we bought it from ‘em for fifty dollars.”
The van let out an explosive groan.
“You sure you gonna need to be goin’ anywhere soon?” asked Mountain-Man with a dubious glance at the engine.
I thought about Mer-Man and Beast-Man, who were slated for execution at the red triangle. Orko didn’t really enter into my thinking - what’s one less blue wizard guy? They were going to die because of me. Because I had failed in my duty as superhero extraordinaire. It was up to me to save them.
I grabbed Mountain-Man by his stained overalls. "Look, Hillbilly Bob, I don't care if you have to sell your wife/sister for parts. You are going to fix that bus!!!"
As the triangle of their death inched ever closer, Mer-Man and Beast-Man prepared themselves, confident they would leave life just the same way they had lived it...crying and complaining.
‘It’s almost the red triangle,” sniffed Mer-Man. He was chained to an execution block at the center of St. Skeletor Cathedral. The chains were making it difficult for him to rub his eyes, so he cried even more.
“This sucks!” moaned Beast-Man. “I don’t want to die!!!”
Orko was ignored because while he was a friend and all, he wasn’t what you’d call a close friend. He was left to dwell in his own pointy-hatted misery, which he did with some degree of success.
The crowd of onlookers and well-wishers were gathering. Some pelted the condemned with rotten fruit and Insane Clown Posse dolls. Others enjoyed the complimentary refreshments.
“We’re makin’ a killing on brownie sales today,” chortled Trap-Jaw, still in his apron.
Scare-Glow approached the podium.
“Friends, enemies, and relatives. We are gathered here today to celebrate my elevation to the rank of God-Emperor and the demise of certain unsavory Eternians who for too long have been the subject of an uneven comic LiveJournal...” He paused to clear his throat.
Just then the doors to the cathedral were thrown open and, silhouetted against the bright light of an Eternian afternoon, was a powerful and statuesque form.
“OMG!” shouted Mer-Man. “It’s He-Man!!!”
“That’s right,” cried the intruder, stepping into focus. “It’s me, He-Man Johnson!”
“Hope I’m not late, but my alarm is broke.”
A sympathetic sigh escaped from the crowd as He-Man Johnson found his seat.
“As I was saying,” continued a nonplussed Scare-Glow, “today we usher in a new age. There will be no more Blonde Ambition lording his power over common Eternians.” He paused to allow for laughter, of which there was some, mostly from Orko.
“We will continue with my strategy of ever-increasing public works projects which will unite the people, give them a goal, structure and hope, and provide work for the throngs of jobless writers who fill our streets.
“Once I am declared God, I will have several temples built in my honor and I promise you that every able-bodied...”
Scare-Glow’s speech was interrupted again when a figure in the front row cast off his Moss-Man disguise to reveal a tall, muscled and Nordic barbarian-type guy.
“It’s me, He-Man!” the interloper declared bravely.
The minions of evil fell back in terror. Scare-Glow braced himself for an attack.
“Isn’t that He-Ro?” asked Orko brainlessly. Beast-Man kicked at him, but it was too late - the damage was done.
“Someone kill that wanker,” commanded Scare-Glow.
“Crap!!!” cried He-Ro, reaching into his belt. “Don’t anyone move - I’ve got a gun.”
With a flourish, he produced a .38 pistol and waved it at the crowd.
“Damn,” growled Trap-Jaw. “That’s a real gun!”
A shot rang out in the cathedral, deafening everyone.
“Damn again,” added Trap-Jaw. “I’ve been shot with a real gun!” He collapsed to the floor holding his bleeding side.
“There, ya see?! Shouldn’t mess with the wizard, should you? Didn’t expect to see a gun in a kiddie cartoon, did you?!!!” He-Ro held his gun gangsta sideways and let fly with a few more bullets. One winged Buzz-Off and another passed through the “O” on Orko’s shirts, causing him to deflate slightly and prompting Beast-Man to cheer, “Bullseye!”
The unexpected clicking of He-Ro’s gun quickly reminded everyone that real handguns, unlike their cartoon equivalent, need ammo.
As Scare-Glow’s men subdued the now-weaponless dufus, Trap-Jaw was bundled onto a stretcher and carried out of this journal entry to receive real medical attention.
“To get back to my point...”
As Scare-Glow droned on, I was rapidly approaching Eternia City in the Lovin’ Spoonful mobile.
Mountain-Man hadn’t really fixed it. Instead he had put it in neutral with the optimistic belief that it was all downhill from here. I should have realized that after I ended Season 1. I crested one last hill and began my final descent upon Castle Skeletor.
“And that is a brief outline of my five-year plan for starfiction.com, Eternia, and the next ‘Survivor’.
The audience snapped awake as I neutrally rammed the van through the doors of the cathedral.
“WTF?!” demanded Scare-Glow, stomping his foot.
I leapt out of the driver’s seat and was about to scream “It’s ass kickin’ time!” but I got caught up on a seatbelt and shouted, “It’s ass time!” which was kinda embarrassing.
“Maybe that’s He-Man,” hoped Mer-Man.
“He-Man here, you magnificent bastards!” I announced.
“That’s not He-Man,” screamed Rio Blast, “that’s Prince Adam just dressed like He-Man!”
“Prince Adam?” wobbled Scare-Glow shockedly. “That brainless man of fashion!?”
“He’s a deadbeat dad!!!” cried an old woman, waving a baby at me. “That ol’ horndog got me with child...twice!”
“That’s a lie,” complained Mer-Man, coming to my rescue. “Everyone knows he’s gay!”
“Look,” I said, “Prince Adam, He-Man, it doesn’t matter. I’m here to beat the hell out of Scare-Glow and save Eternia.”
“Oh,” accepted the audience.
Scare-Glow said a very bad word.
“Momma said knock you out,” rapped Beast-Man.
Scare-Glow grabbed his magic lance. It began to crackle with a nefarious energy.
“Smoke this, he-Man!”
A great bolt of lightning flew from the lance’s tip and struck me full in the chest. My head exploded. Even my eyes were electrified.
“How do you like that, Prince Charming?!”
I was knocked down to the ground by the blast. My muscles were tensing up and my blood was boiling in my veins. Things sucked pretty much. I was still weak from the fight I had been in over in The Sticks and I was in no mood to be zapped by a wannabe God-Emperor.
I squeezed my eyes shut and summoned all my Prince Adam strength.
I forced myself to my feet.
“LIKE I LIKE YOUR MOM!!!”
I rushed Scare-Glow and grabbed the point of his lance. There was a great explosion of light and I could feel the skin on my hand charring as power coursed into my body.
“YOU SMELL!!!” I cried, and began to bend the tip of the spear backwards. A red glow began to slink down the hilt of the lance towards Scare-Glow. Suddenly he cried out and dropped the now-useless and bent weapon to the ground.
“Danger: High Voltage,” sang Mer-Man, ushering in a White Stripes argument with Beast-Man.
Scare-Glow spun and ran towards the back of the skeletal altar.
Following him and completely mad with anger, exhilaration and electrocution, I taunted, “Turn around, Bright Eyes!”
A young girl screamed “Conor!” and fainted.
Scare-Glow grabbed something and twisted to face me. “Total eclipse of my butt!” he cried, and I only narrowly dodged the unique powersword in his hand.
“I have the power!!!” he yelled and rose the sword above his head in a two-handed grip.
I kicked him in the balls.
Okay, so maybe I’m not proud of it, but it worked. Scare-Glow dropped the powersword and yelped.
I powerpunched him.
Then I powerpunched him again.
Then, once more, I powerpunched him.
Scare-Glow’s lightbulb of a head flickered a bit, then went out, leaving just a sour skull face.
“Skeletor!” hissed the crowd.
For it really was Skeletor after all.
“Hello...is it me you’re looking for?” whispered Skeletor, a single tear in his eye.
I pulled back my fist and powerpunched him as I have never powerpunched any skull-headed freak guy before. There was a great ripping noise, and his head, which was stitched on, tore off and sailed through the air and broke a window which I would have to pay for later.
I lifted the powersword off the ground and pointed it towards the sky.
"I HAVE THE POWER!!!"
Outside, after I had freed the guys and signed autographs, a little girl with a flower ran up to me. I recognized her as the one who had watched as I was stabbed back at the attack on Disposable.
“He-Man! He-Man!” she giggled.
I knocked her down into a puddle and said, “That’s what ya get for gettin’ me stabbed, you crybaby!”
It’s good to be He-Man again.